Anne's Angel Story
Februrary 10th, 2010-24 days old
My name is Anne. We lost our baby Mikaela on February 25th, 2010. She
was only 24 days old. She died of internal bleeding. Apparently, the immunization given to her caused her left thigh that was injected to swell which we only
realized a week later when it was big and hard. Another complication was when
she was bleeding; it was hard for the blood to clot.
This tragedy caused me to
loose confidence in motherhood. I feel that I have failed to realize my baby’s
cues and failed to realize the swollen thigh earlier. My feeling towards anything
is no longer the same. Part of me seemed to have died with my baby.
Mikaela was my second born. I have a 2 year old and 5 months boy. He
is the source of my struggle to move on. As a family, we are brought closer to
each other after the tragedy. However, as the primary caregiver to Mikaela, everyday
is a challenge for me. One day I seem to feel better only to realize when I am
lying in bed trying to sleep, regrets and what if’s haunts me.
I am a Christian so I rely
on God as my source of strength. When I feel guilty of what happened, the consolation
I get is that nothing happens without God’s knowledge and approval. In
a way I am glad that I was given 24 days to be with Mikaela and that her suffering ended early. But in reality; I miss her so much.
Shana’s Angel Stories
January 2006-Miscarriage 5 weeks
May 2006- Miscarriage 7 weeks
September 2006-Miscarriage 12 weeks
March 2007-Miscarriage 6 weeks
I discovered I was pregnant for the first time in January of 2006.
My fiancé Chris and I were so mexcited that we told EVERYONE. Our whole family was just as excited as we were. I had no morning sickness yet, but it was really
early anyway. I was at my om's one day and discovered that I had a brown discharge and freaked out. She called an ambulance
(there was no car there at the time, and we both worked for the rescue squad) and the EMT told me it might just be old blood
and not to get too worked up. At the hospital we discovered that there was no fetal pole. I miscarried at 5 weeks...even before
my first doctor’s appointment.
A little over a month
later, we got the shock of our lives when we found out we were pregnant again.
I was so scared...I had no chance to deal with the previous miscarriage. I was also excited...thinking that this was it, maybe.
It couldn't really happen again, could it? Things were
going great really. I had no morning sickness again, and was waiting for it to kick in. I made it to 7 weeks before the inevitable
happened...I started bleeding again. Two days after I started bleeding, I was babysitting my girlfriend's 2 kids. Once they
had gotten to bed, I started having a lot of pain and went to the bathroom. When I stood up, I was mortified...I had passed
the baby. I went to the hospital and took what I had passed with me. It was confirmed that what I had passed was product of
conception. That was in May of 2006.
Fast forward to September of 2006. What do you know, we find out we're pregnant again. I was very tentative
at this point...I didn't want to believe it and I definitely didn't want to relive the past and go through this again. Everything
this time was going amazing. I was sick as a dog and was really starting to have faith that this one would work. At my 8 week
appointment, I begged and begged for an ultrasound, but it was no use. The
doctor told me everything looked great...she couldn't express that enough and I was sent on my way. At my second appointment,
I was so excited. It was the appointment where I got to hear the heartbeat and I was 12 WEEKS! Almost in the clear!!! She
placed the doppler on my belly and couldn't hear anything. She said since I was a little overweight that we might not hear
anything. She took me in for an ultrasound, which was exciting. Not only was I going to hear a heartbeat, but I'd actually
see my baby! She looked and looked...the only thing she could find was a shadow. I was starting to lose faith and she knew it...so she called the hospital and got me in for an emergency
ultrasound. After arguing with the registration people at the hospital over my insurance, I finally got into ultrasound to
find that they were training medical students that day. They did a transvaginal ultrasound and I got to see my baby...but
I could tell something wasn't right. It wasn't moving, and the only thing I could hear was the echo of fluids moving. The
ultrasound tech told me there was no heartbeat. I sat there in a waiting room with tears pouring down my face in front of
the med students for what felt like an eternity. They sent the info to my doctors and I went back there to hear more awful
news. They said the baby only measured about 8 weeks. I’ve never stopped wondering what would have happened if they’d
given me an ultrasound at 8 weeks when I asked. Maybe I wouldn’t have had that false hope for a month. The worst part
was sitting there crying with nurses holding me up while the woman in the next room got to hear a heartbeat...and I got to
hear her baby's heartbeat too. It tore me apart. That was November of 2006...right before Thanksgiving. I didn't celebrate
Thanksgiving that year...I had nothing to be thankful for.
March of 2007...I had just started a new job and discovered
once again that I was pregnant. Right away, I had to leave my job...doctor's orders. I was in and out of the ER about 4 times
in 3 weeks. I was paranoid and scared...I was cramping right away with this one. One ultrasound technician at the hospital
even had the nerve to say to me during an ultrasound when something sounded like a heartbeat ‘Don’t get excited,
that’s just blood pumping through your ovaries’. Things didn't look good...every time I went to the ER they told
me I was okay, but when they said I was only 6 weeks when I should have been 8, I started to freak. I lost total faith in
the pregnancy while my fiancé seemed to remain totally calm the whole time. He kept trying to convince me that everything
was okay, but I just knew. Finally, HCG Betas showed that I was miscarrying. That was in May of 2007.
We have been down such a rocky road with this. It made me scared to death
to ever become pregnant again, but at the same time I always have that thought in my head…the next time could be the
one! I try to have faith and think positively every
time, but sometimes hope just starts to run out. Because of what I’ve been through, I’ll never be able to really enjoy a pregnancy because I’ll always be waiting for that something to be wrong.
I’ve never been tested to find out why this keeps happening, and was told that in the state of New Jersey,
a specialist won’t see you until you’ve had 3 losses. I’ve had 4 and still haven’t been referred to
a specialist.
I think
about my babies every day and wonder who they would have been today, if they would have looked more like me or my fiancé.
I wonder how they would have changed my life…but really, they already have.
If you would like to submit your story please send
it to:
Moms_ofangels@yahoo.com
We are in need of stories for this coming fall
and winter!
