Shana’s Angel Stories
January 2006-Miscarriage 5 weeks
May 2006- Miscarriage 7 weeks
September 2006-Miscarriage 12 weeks
March 2007-Miscarriage 6 weeks
I discovered I was pregnant for the first time in January of 2006. My fiancé Chris and I were so excited that we told EVERYONE. Our whole family was just as excited as we were. I had no morning sickness
yet, but it was really early anyway. I was at my mom's one day and discovered that I had a brown discharge and freaked out.
She called an ambulance (there was no car there at the time, and we both worked for the rescue squad) and the EMT told me
it might just be old blood and not to get too worked up. At the hospital we discovered that there was no fetal pole. I miscarried
at 5 weeks...even before my first doctor’s appointment.
A little over a month later, we got the shock of our lives when we found out we were pregnant again. I was so scared...I
had no chance to deal with the previous miscarriage. I was also excited...thinking that this was it, maybe. It couldn't really
happen again, could it? Things were going great really. I had no morning sickness again, and was waiting for it to kick in.
I made it to 7 weeks before the inevitable happened...I started bleeding again. Two days after I started bleeding, I was babysitting
my girlfriend's 2 kids. Once they had gotten to bed, I started having a lot of pain and went to the bathroom. When I stood
up, I was mortified...I had passed the baby. I went to the hospital and took what I had passed with me. It was confirmed that
what I had passed was product of conception. That was in May of 2006.
Fast forward to September of 2006. What do you know, we find out we're pregnant again. I was very tentative at this
point...I didn't want to believe it and I definitely didn't want to relive the past and go through this again. Everything
this time was going amazing. I was sick as a dog and was really starting to have faith that this one would work. At my 8 week
appointment, I begged and begged for an ultrasound, but it was no use. The doctor told me everything looked great...she couldn't
express that enough and I was sent on my way. At my second appointment, I was so excited. It was the appointment where I got
to hear the heartbeat and I was 12 WEEKS! Almost in the clear!!! She placed the doppler on my belly and couldn't hear anything.
She said since I was a little overweight that we might not hear anything. She took me in for an ultrasound, which was exciting.
Not only was I going to hear a heartbeat, but I'd actually see my baby! She looked and looked...the only thing she could find
was a shadow. I was starting to lose faith and she knew it...so she called the hospital and got me in for an emergency ultrasound.
After arguing with the registration people at the hospital over my insurance, I finally got into ultrasound to find that they
were training medical students that day. They did a transvaginal ultrasound and I got to see my baby...but I could tell something
wasn't right. It wasn't moving, and the only thing I could hear was the echo of fluids moving. The ultrasound tech told me
there was no heartbeat. I sat there in a waiting room with tears pouring down my face in front of the med students for what
felt like an eternity. They sent the info to my doctors and I went back there to hear more awful news. They said the baby
only measured about 8 weeks. I’ve never stopped wondering what would have happened if they’d given me an ultrasound
at 8 weeks when I asked. Maybe I wouldn’t have had that false hope for a month. The worst part was sitting there crying
with nurses holding me up while the woman in the next room got to hear a heartbeat...and I got to hear her baby's heartbeat
too. It tore me apart. That was November of 2006...right before Thanksgiving. I didn't celebrate Thanksgiving that year...I
had nothing to be thankful for.
March of 2007...I had just started a new job and discovered once again that I was pregnant.
Right away, I had to leave my job...doctor's orders. I was in and out of the ER about 4 times in 3 weeks. I was paranoid and
scared...I was cramping right away with this one. One ultrasound technician at the hospital even had the nerve to say to me
during an ultrasound when something sounded like a heartbeat ‘Don’t get excited, that’s just blood pumping
through your ovaries’. Things didn't look good...every time I went to the ER they told me I was okay, but when they
said I was only 6 weeks when I should have been 8, I started to freak. I lost total faith in the pregnancy while my fiancé
seemed to remain totally calm the whole time. He kept trying to convince me that everything was okay, but I just knew. Finally,
HCG Betas showed that I was miscarrying. That was in May of 2007.
We have been down such a rocky road with this. It made me scared to
death to ever become pregnant again, but at the same time I always have that thought in my head…the next time could
be the one! I try to have faith and think positively every time, but sometimes hope just starts
to run out. Because of what I’ve been through, I’ll never be able to really enjoy a pregnancy because I’ll
always be waiting for that something to be wrong. I’ve never been tested to find out why this keeps happening, and was
told that in the state of New Jersey, a specialist won’t see you until you’ve had 3 losses. I’ve
had 4 and still haven’t been referred to a specialist.
I think about my babies every day and wonder who they would
have been today, if they would have looked more like me or my fiancé. I wonder how they would have changed my life…but
really, they already have.
If you would like to submit your story please send
it to:
Moms_ofangels@yahoo.com
We are in need of stories for this coming fall
and winter!
